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Yeah, I know that I’ve been a slacker when it comes to posting witty musings here but work has been kicking my butt. I work for a beta testing company and, even though the economy is allegedly at a halt, we’re busier than we have been for quite a while. I guess all of these big technology firms aren’t feeling the rough economic times that so many other companies are. I have a lot that’s kicking around inside my head that needs to be shared. Hopefully, I can get them to come out through my keyboard over the next few days. Time will tell. But I digress.

Just a quick disclaimer: this post may be seen by some people as gross. That’s fine. If it’s too much for you, I won’t be offended if you don’t read it. I have some stuff that needs off of my chest so I’m letting it out here.

I have a strong dislike for public restrooms. I’m OK with some urinals but when it comes to actually sitting on a toilet, I have issues. How do I know that I won’t get some sort of disease? And let’s not even talk about what I have heard people doing in restrooms. Suffice it to say, I don’t like them. It’s good that they’re there in case I need one but I prefer to wait until I have "home toilet advantage".

I work in a very old building in downtown Ogden. Because it’s near Ogden’s version of Bum Town, we keep the restroom door locked at all times. This is good because it limits the potential for contamination. There are five of us in my office and then there are a couple of lawyers that have an office down the hall. In theory, we’re the only people that should be using this particular restroom. However, yesterday I saw something that makes me wonder a) Are we the only ones using it? and b) If we are, what are the lawyers doing in there?

This particular restroom has a closet inside the stall that I guess holds supplies. I’ve never opened it but I assume that there’s toilet paper, paper towels, maybe a mop, and some hand soap in there. Yesterday, there was a sign on the door that said the following:

This closet is not a garbage. It is for Property Management only. Please flush toilet paper down the toilet.

Thank you,
Management

This causes me great concern and does nothing to alleviate my aversion to entering public restrooms. Who is wiping, then putting the defiled one-ply, sandpaper like paper in the closet? And what’s worse, why would somebody do that? How messed up is that?

I’m pretty sure that none of the people in my office are wiping then tossing their paper into the closet. Two of us prefer "home toilet", one is very, very hygienic, and I’ve never seen the other two guys enter the stall. (Of course, I don’t camp out and monitor their comings and goings.) That leaves one of two options for the culprit: the lawyers or some homeless guy with a key. My money is on the lawyers.

Think about it, lawyers are despised by a lot of people. They are seen as leeches that benefit from the misery of others. Waking up every day of your life knowing that people would rather go to dinner with a crack addict than you can’t be an easy thing to live with. I think that this causes lawyers to take out their frustration with life in monkey-like fashion. When monkeys get mad, they fling poo. That’s their way of saying "I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!" I see lawyers as half-monkeys that know the law really, really well and like to chase vehicles with flashing lights. Why would they respond any differently than a monkey in the zoo?

My theory is this: one of the lawyers down the hall had a bad day dealing with some nasty divorce and just had to fling poo. Knowing that it would be socially unacceptable to fling poo at the receptionist, he went into the stall, took a dump, then wiped his butt and flung poopy toilet paper into the closet.

That’s what makes lawyers different from monkeys.

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About The Author

Co-founder/show host/producer of Stolendroids. If you’ve listened to our shows, you know that I’m a geek. Anyone who says differently doesn’t know me very well. If it has anything to do with computers, video games, toys, comic books, or sci-fi, you can count me in. Also, I aim to misbehave.

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