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A lot of stuff that’s come out of Hollywood over the years has been amazing. When you look at films such as the original Star Wars trilogy, the Indiana Jones movies, and even such recent fare like The Simpsons Movie, you can’t help but be impressed. Hollywood is officially out of ideas though.

When I look at the movie listings, I have no desire to see anything that is being churned out. Granted, this summer has some good offerings, but everything that I want to see is either a sequel, a remake, or an unoriginal idea ripped from a comic book.

The big writers strike that shut down Hollywood recently ended. Why? Oh, that’s right. Television has some original non-reality show based ideas. They needed their writers back. Look at shows like Lost and Jericho. They’re based on original ideas, not some retread. The movie industry on the other hand can’t come up with an something new to save their lives.

Last week it was announced that there is going to be a remake of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. That’s totally bogus. This is a perfect example of how desperate writers are for ideas. Will Alex Winter reprise his role as Bill S. Preston, Esquire? I hear that he’s free so here’s hoping. But wait, there’s more!

Yesterday I read that the original writers of Short Circuit have been hired to write a remake. If I were Brent Maddock or S.S. Wilson (I think he had a boatoplasty), I’d just plop the original script down on the desk of the idiot who thought this was a good idea. Of course, I’d replace Steve Guttenberg with Vin Diesel, because he never makes a steaming turd of a movie. I’d also replace Ally Sheedy with somebody like Lindsay Lohan. Her last four or five movies have all lost money so she’s obviously a good choice by Hollywood standards. Just be sure to wipe the coke from her nose before the film starts rolling. Maybe Uwe Boll can direct.

Since I’m ranting about Hollywood, let me share my thoughts on the in-production G.I. Joe. I firmly believe that the producers of this movie hate us. Casting Brendan Fraser as Gung Ho, The Rock as Shipwreck, and Sienna Miller, blonde hair and all, as the Baroness is proof of this. Fortunately they got the Snake Eyes costume right but what’s with making the “Real American Hero” bow at the altar of an international peace keeping organization based in Brussels? I guess that they are trying to keep nerd boys who grew up in the Reagan era away from this inevitable debacle. Maybe they’ll throw in a Paris Hilton cameo just for good measure.

What’s happened to film making? Why does nobody have an original idea that would make a good movie? And why do these people who constantly polish turds and try to pass them off as diamonds keep congratulating each other by holding meaningless award shows that nobody cares about? It has been said that sometimes the best you can do is move the turd to another pocket. In the case of Hollywood, it’s time to just wipe and flush the turds altogether.

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About The Author

Co-founder/show host/producer of Stolendroids. If you’ve listened to our shows, you know that I’m a geek. Anyone who says differently doesn’t know me very well. If it has anything to do with computers, video games, toys, comic books, or sci-fi, you can count me in. Also, I aim to misbehave.

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  • Zuke

    Oooh! You did NOT just drop the Uwe Bol insult! Wow, you must really be mad!

    I get the feeling that the movie industry needs the same kick in the head that professional athletes need. Just because a comic book movie makes them lots of money, doesn’t make it good.

    Of course, I say that knowing full well that I will go see Iron Man, and will wet myself in geek-joy.

    I think it’s also an indication of the American public right now. We don’t want to see anything really new or groundbreaking. We’re in a rut, and trying to force us out of said rut will only loose you money.

  • Jeremiah

    I know that I’ll go see Iron Man too. I’ll probably feel dirty afterwards but I’m a geek so I’ll go.

    On that note, I’m still waiting for Ben Affleck to give me back my $7 for Daredevil. And while he’s writing out checks, he needs to get his wife to refund my money for Elektra.

  • Zuke

    Nah. He has the ultimate comeback for anyone who complains about any of his movies now; “Hey, it wasn’t Gigli. Now shut up.”

  • Halley

    I have an original, never been done idea for a movie!

    It should start with some sort of infestation or plague. Something interesting, that has been caused by the human condition or a genetically modified virus that has escaped into the public.

    And then, all the people that are infected have to be CGIed into something impossible to even exist. Totally wicked looking. And attack all the non-infected people for some hunter instinct reason.

    It’ll be a success. We could then remake it about 6 times in as little as 2 – 4 years under different titles.

    Here are some examples that we could use:

    28 Days Later
    28 Weeks Later
    Doomsday
    I am Legend
    Plague

    and then, for a twist, when people start realizing that it’s the same movie over and over, we can make the infected be zombies. . .

  • Zuke

    Dawn of the Dead, Resident Evil, Resident Evil 2, Resident Evil 3, Alone in the Dark (thank you Uwe Boll again). Yeah, that thought has been done to death.

    Then there’s the variations on it; The Incredible Hulk, Fantastic 4, The Incredible Hulk (again), Fantastic 4 2.

  • Steve

    You can’t use Hulk of FF as an example of the lack of ideas in Hollywood, as they were created in the 60’s. They could be used as an example of Hollywood beating the dead horse of comic book movies like its the national pastime.

    The first Hulk was really good, but way to long and to self involved. However thanks to Ed Norton and Tim Roth we should see a good Hulk movie. Both FF’s sucked, but I’m in favor of any movie that gives Michael Chiklis work, and puts Jessica Alba in a skin tight body suit.

    As for Daredevil, I am in the apparent minority as I really liked the movie. As a long time movie, and comic book fan I thought its stayed very true to the spirit of DD, and I even thought that Affleck did a good job.

  • Jeremiah

    I thought that Hulk sucked. I tried watching it and saw it as being too full of existential bull crap. However, the new one that comes out this summer actually looks good.